I’ve noticed something in the course of working with couples for nearly 25 years, and I’ve been articulating it more and more with the people I work with. I haven’t done a research study, and I don’t have statistics. But I do have a long history of sitting in a very intimate space with people who care deeply for each other (most of the time), and yet, who resist being influenced in a positive by each other.
The definition of influence is: the capacity to have an effect on the character, development, or behavior of someone or something, or the effect itself. It does not mean to control, nor to convince, but to have an effect. What I have noticed is that the couples who freely allow themselves to be influenced by the other, are closer, happier, and grow more.
It would go something like this—and I am using a typical heterosexual couple as an example:
Woman: “ Honey, can we be sure to have our Saturday morning coffee time this week? There’s something that’s been weighing on me. “
Man: “Sure. I’ve been so distracted lately, and it’ll be good to have some quiet time with you.”
Saturday morning, In the café:
Man: (touching his wife’s hand) “Ahhh, I needed this, just to be with you.”
Woman: “Me too. The week seems to fly by and we barely connect during the week. I think we need to get back to a date night.”
Man: “Yeah. I will not be traveling as much from now until the end of the year, but those business dinners out are really getting to me.”
Woman: That’s what I wanted to talk with you about. I know they are important, but I wonder if you could find a way to get home earlier. I get worried when you say you’ll be home at 9 and you come in at 1 am, and have had a lot to drink. I haven’t been sleeping well on those nights. “
Man: “I didn’t know it was affecting you so much. You are right, I have been drinking more and then I lose track of time. I get caught up, when the drinks are flowing, but that’s no excuse.”
Woman: “I am concerned for your health, but also, I think if you limited your drinking and ended things earlier, it would be as good for business as what you are doing now. It shows strength.”
Man: “I never thought of it that way. I haven’t felt good about it either, and it’s whipping my ass.”
Woman: tearing up
Man: “What’s wrong honey?”
Woman: “ We haven’t had our mornings lately, and I miss the closeness we feel when we do take the time. I miss you. You are so wiped out that you’ve been sleeping ‘till the last minute. The story I make up is that you are having more fun at those dinners than with me. That maybe you’ve lost interest in us.”
Man: “Oh my God, I love you more than anything or anyone. I had no idea, but I can see how it lands for you. You are my best friend in the world, and all that talk is a lot posturing and feeding big egos. Most of the time I don’t even really enjoy myself. I think that’s why I’m drinking so much.” (squeezes her hand)
Woman: (Smiles) “ I needed to hear that from you. Thank you.”
Man: “Thank you! You’ve held a good mirror up to me. I’m on it. “
Woman: “Thank you for hearing me. I have one more request. If you do end up having more than 2 drinks, will you take an Uber home? I’ll take you to work the next morning. Then I can sleep better.”
Man: “Yup. That will be a good deterrent.
Ah, you are smiling, maybe thinking that is an impossible scenario. It isn’t really, if the people involved have a deep an abiding trust between each other. If each one believes for sure that the other person has their best interest at heart, and agrees to let their partner hold up a mirror from a place of love, it is a great possibility. And that takes some skill. Love and skill—-they are a powerful combo in creating a fabulous friendship between two committed partners.
If the trust is there, but not the skill, it could still work, though it would be more challenging and less smooth. Learning the skill can grow the trust, and evolve the relationship to another level of devotion.
In the scene above, the woman is the sender and the man is the receiver.
Here are the key components:
Sender:
- Set time aside, and refrain from communicating on the fly. This allows the receptive part of the other person’s brain to come online.
- Tap into your courage. Be willing to get vulnerable.
- Refrain from complaining, blaming, or criticizing. No shaming.
- Speak from the heart about how you are feeling, using “I” statements.
- Interject expression of care and love.
- Make clear requests that are doable. Let go of vague statements such as “I need you to care more.”
- Thank your partner for “getting” you.
Receiver:
- Prepare yourself to really really listen. To do this, consciously drop your defensiveness.
- Tap into your courage. Be willing to get vulnerable.
- Keep the energetic focus on your partner, and don’t pull it to yourself until your partner has been fully heard
- If you get triggered, stop, take a breath, and come back. You can say it’s hard to heard, but that you are willing. This will help with any shame you are feeling.
- Take ownership. If what is being reflected by your partner is true, then say it. This validates your partner.
- Refrain from dismissing, denying or minimizing what your partner says.
- Address the emotion your partner is feeling and tap into your empathy.
- Correct any misperception in a non-defensive way—a reassuring way.
- Thank your partner for having the courage to speak up.
- Be willing to meet the request for a behavior change, which is called stretching.
In truth, conflict is connection trying to happen, and it requires compassion, vulnerability and personal responsibility. We cannot blame our partners for our own lack of courage in bringing up something difficult, even if we know it may trigger a defensive reaction. Becoming a great sender doesn’t guarantee you will be heard, and the real change comes when both willingly learn and apply the skills that most of us didn’t learn from our parents.
Over time, people who learn and apply these skills grow in trust and evolve to ever more beautiful stages of intimacy.
This is one of the most powerful ways that couples can begin to influence the world in a positive way, by refusing to contribute to the hate and divisiveness that is rampant at this time. And this will influence the children growing up now to embrace the truth that Rumi expresses when he says, “Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I'll meet you there.”
