“The predicament with loving is the power of the addiction of the practice of loving somebody, of getting so caught in the relationship that you can’t ever arrive at the essence of dwelling in love.”
– Ram Dass
As I sit with couples who have drifted apart or are caught in the throes of conflict, I often hear from men, “I wish we could get back to the way we were.” More often, I hear women say, “Something needs to change. I can’t take this anymore.”
Neither are happy.
Love, in all its countless forms, stretches and expands you into a brave new world, a higher dimension of consciousness, beyond conflict and differences. Psychological theorist Eric Fromm says that, “Love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence”
The one thing that is in the way of leaning your entire life in the direction of love is the fear you have acquired, possibly over lifetimes. The one power that will set you free is surrendering to love. 
In each of us there is a memory of that which fails to go away—of a love so sweet and of infinite proportions, the distant knowing of which creates within us a deep and abiding longing.
Rather than return to what was, to the paradise of the Garden of Eden or some distant utopia, we are called now—NOW—to ascend to a more evolved way of loving that embraces all of life, including the conflict and struggle and the apparently unresolvable catch-22s of life. When we cling to old ways of loving based on our wounds and then attempt to get what we should have received but did not, too great a pressure is heaped on any relationship.
And yet we are wired to choose a partner onto whom we heap those impossible expectations, precisely to re-experience the hurt and to have the opportunity to heal. The more conscious the people involved are about this repetition compulsion, as Freud termed it, the greater the growth. This is leaning your life in the direction of love.
We are not the things we do or have, but ancient wise beings. The great lesson of the Aquarian age, which some astrologers agree officially began in 2012, is to step beyond the boundaries of the personal into a new kind of love. In addition to eros, which is intimate or romantic love, there is agape, a para personal love that is non-erotic, as in the love of God for human kind or of human kind for God, and cosmic love, a transpersonal love that holds all of us together. It is a love so vast and inclusive and generous, in a dimension that is available to us only if we choose it. And let us not forget our love for animals and their love for us, which is often most pure. All of these loves call us, and more and more people are feeling the call toward cosmic love.
In the most practical sense, you must first let go of being right and instead, make connection a priority. We all crave connection, but it cannot be on our terms alone. It means that we learn to be relational, taking others into account as powerfully as we do ourselves. It means we go for the deeper communion that involves a kind of reverence for the people in our lives, while at the same time being so very true to our own self.
In her enlightening book called The Relationships of Above Average People, Olivia Roberts says that most relationships fail after the initial attraction wanes, because there is a difference in the rate of growth between the two partners. “The more a person is capable of receiving the contents of their own soul, the greater is the potential for a person’s growth. The less a person is capable of receiving soul content into their subconscious mind, the less potential there is for growth in that person’s nature”
How connected a person is to their soul determines their vibration, which then determines the degree of attraction and compatibility with others. I have seen this over and over in both my personal life and in the lives of my clients. If a person who has set their heart’s compass on the vision of awakening in time is partnered with someone who does not hold that as part of his or her soul purpose, the relationship will eventually die. Even if they remain together, the passion and excitement will wane.
This leaves the partner who is more connected to their soul to make a choice between remaining true to the vow taken in the marriage, or the vow taken in the temple of the soul. There is no right or wrong here, but there can be great suffering, depending upon the choice. Either way, there is pain.
Generally, when two people fall in love and decide to get married, particularly when they are young, they tend to be more driven by their hormones than by the content of their souls. This romantic attraction is based on countless factors having to do with the unfinished business of childhood. In other words, our relationship with our parents and siblings and the particular way in which we were emotionally wounded has far greater bearing on the choice of a mate than most people realize. Even when a person understands this intellectually, the unconscious attraction to a partner who will open up the old wounds is very potent. All this must be considered before the decision to break a vow is made, and always, it is important to receive guidance from a good therapist or pastor.
I once heard a poignant teaching story about a young couple who loved each other very much and decided to get married. They carefully wrote their wedding vows, including the well-meaning intention to love each other always, even if they “fall out of love,” and said they would then let each other go without fighting or hurting each other. When they took the vows to their Rabbi, whom they hoped would officiate at the wedding, the Rabbi read the vows and then looked at them with stern love, saying, “I cannot marry you. If you set out with the intention to open the door of your commitment when you fall out of love, then you will never know the love that is necessary to make a marriage work.“
As someone who has worked with hundreds of couples, I have held the sacred message of this story alongside the deep understanding of the need and right to separate. Like Solomon deciding what to do with the baby, I leave the decision up to the couple, and the apparently irreconcilable differences naturally coalesce around the decision to stay or leave. Helping them make the choice that will allow both to remain connected to the love that brought them together in the first place, in spite of the mutable nature of love’s expression, is always my intention.
At these pivotal moments in a person’s life, no matter what the challenges or choices, the most important question is not whether you are in love, but rather, can you be love. If your relationship has not supported you to grow into a person who can be love, the question as to whether you can remain in the relationship and be love is key. It has nothing to do with the other person’s shortcomings, and everything to do with your willingness to remove the obstacles to love. From this place, there is clarity and peace as to what to do next.
We have been taught to go for love. Find love. Fall in love. Fall out of love…..when all the while, we are love.
With each challenge I face, may I realize the love that I am as a spiritual being having a profoundly beautiful human experience.
