Here is an excerpt below from my book, Activating Your Loveseed: Revealing the Blueprint for a Better World.
“Friendship is always a sweet responsibility, never an opportunity.” Kahil Gibran
I believe it is essential on the spiritual path to have true friends, for the loneliness we would otherwise suffer would be too great to bear. The philosopher Aristotle called friendship the art of holding up a mirror to each other’s souls. Emerson spoke of its two pillars of truth and tenderness, and Helen Keller said, “Walking with a friend in the dark is better than walking alone in the light.” I have found that to be true in this life, and have been blessed with some deep soul friends who are still walking with me.
Rumi and Hafiz speak of the Friend in their ecstatic poetry, alluding to the divine qualities of this most sacred relationship. The mystery and soul-sustenance of friendship comes vibrantly alive in the masterful book, Anam Cara, by John O’Donohue. Anam cara is Gaelic for “soul friend,” and his words eloquently paint the picture of what this kind of friendship is about:
In this love, you are understood as you are without mask or pretension. The superficial and functional lies and half-truths of social acquaintance fall away, you can be as you really are. Love allows understanding to dawn, and understanding is precious. Where you are understood, you are at home. Understanding nourishes belonging. When you really feel understood, you feel free to release yourself into the trust and shelter of the other person’s soul… This art of love discloses the special and sacred identity of the other person. Love is the only light that can truly read the secret signature of the other person’s individuality and soul. Love alone is literate in the world of origin; it can decipher identity and destiny.
Do you have friends who have had a significant part in your identity and destiny? Yes, we can actually experience the loveseed of another human being in deep friendship, for Love recognizes the Source of things. A life without friendship is a bleak landscape that can turn a person bitter, away from innocence. We are not meant to walk this world alone, and every aspect of our being, from the vitality of our bodies to the brightness of our souls, is nourished by true friendship. Friendship is the most solid foundation for a romantic relationship, and the cultivation of a deep and abiding friendship can indeed be considered a spiritual practice.
I am willing to wager that most of you have been able to bestow far more unconditional and non-judgmental positive regard upon a good friend than you have upon yourself. Our friends teach us how to be human by showing us their struggles, their embarrassments, their needs, and reminding us that we too have tender spots that require soothing.
Some people struggle with friendship, as my client Carrie has her entire life. She has been driven by deep anxiety and ambition to succeed and be recognized, which did not come from her Soul. She chose the corporate world as her venue to receive some of what she failed to receive in her childhood home which was filled with contention. Needless to say, she “bent over backwards” to get the promotions and recognition she craved, but was always disappointed. As the years flew by, she remained single, had no time to date, and her only “friends” were on the job. Ignoring her deeper needs and always over-functioning to get ahead, Carrie’s health and spirits declined until finally she quit her job in order to devote time and energy to getting well, and finding a new career.
During her time off she realized that the “friends” at work were not real friends and she hoped she could meet some new people of a high caliber. She began going to events to see what she could learn and who would be a good connection to help her get to her next level, where she would coach executives of non-profits, and be able to use her skills for the good. She was methodical and strategic about her plan, which was interrupted by health challenges. She then became methodical and strategic about her heath plan, and found a team she liked, but no one had it all. She came to me to get help with the emotional stuff, which she said she was not in touch with.
Carrie has always had a big heart, but her over-anxious mind would not relax and allow much joy or real support that she did not pay for into her life. She was always so mindful to keep on top of everything, and yet, that task consumed her. As Carrie had one medical appointment after the other, I noticed her pattern of being highly critical of everyone she came into contact with, and how often she felt she was being taken advantage of. As soon as she could not acquire more knowledge or some tool she could use from each person, she dismissed them as having no value to her any longer. With friends and neighbors she was continuously being irritated and her story was that they only wanted something from her. Indeed, she seemed to attract people who played out the very qualities she disowned, which was her tendency to seek connection for her own advancement.
She had not learned the art of reciprocity, where there is an exchange between two people that both are comfortable with. This is something we learn in our friendships, where we give freely without worrying about what we will get in return. I realize that there are many imbalances and so-called emotional vampires who would feed off your energy if you let them. That is what boundaries are for. But the best way you can avoid attracting such people into your life is to take a look at your own inner vampire, who does not have the wellbeing of others at heart. We must return to our innocence around friendship as well!
As much as Carrie has a tender heart, and wants to share the love inside, her vigilance ironically leads her to not be attuned to others and thus unable to make conscious choices. Owning that she has this tendency, well learned in her days in corporate America, she is unlearning this survival tactic and practicing entering into situations with others from a place of giving freely, expecting nothing in return. But what about those vampires you ask? When nothing comes back, over and over, the desire to continue the exchange naturally wanes, and there is no need for bitterness or feeling like a victim. You speak up or begin to say good-bye. We are always at choice.
Indeed, our relationships are training grounds for us to be both in our power and in our love—a spiritual practice of the highest order!
Excellent! I value my friendship with you and wish you lived closer!