The patriarchy is alive and well in relationships inside both men and women, and gets played out in unconscious games of power and powerlessness that contribute to the bitter conflict that is ravaging the lives of men, women, and children. Family and relationship therapist Terrence Real says, “We all live under patriarchy, which is a rigid dichotomy of gender roles. And we all know what the dichotomy is. Traditionally, men are supposed to be strong and feel independent, unemotional, logical and confident. Women are supposed to be expressive, nurturing, weak and dependent. One of the things I say about those traditional gender roles is they don't make anybody happy and they don't make for intimacy.”
At the same time, there is a groundswell of “enough is enough” energy rising up in women, which is closing the door on the old ways, yet leaving both men and women at a loss as to how to bring the masculine and feminine energies into harmony and balance.
One of the great enemies of love is criticism and blame, which arise when two people vie for martyrdom in a relationship. 
As they began to disentangle the knot they had co-created, I introduced the idea of each of them being sovereign and always at choice in the relationship, Boundaries were put into place where Eddie could say “No” and not have hell to pay, and he began to do more without being asked. Joan felt more supported, but she still sometimes needed to make requests when Eddie didn’t see what was needed, rather than the toxic demands she had been making. I asked them to imagine that they were king and queen of their home and that they worked together to make sure that all in the king/queendom were getting their needs met. The qualities of the king/queen archetype are power, dignity, protection of the common good, fairness, compassion, leadership—all greatly needed in their relationship.
After a tough session in which Eddie had temporarily fallen back into his minion behavior, he said he would rather be a knight than a king. The knight is all about fun and adventure, and Eddie had more toys than his children. I told him that knights don’t marry queens, that Joan was becoming a powerful and benevolent queen, and that if he wanted an equal relationship, he would still need to find the king in himself.
As they were leaving and Eddie was putting on his motorcycle gear, he said he’d rather be an emperor than a king but he knew of no empresses. This was good news, as he was claiming a new role. Joan said that Josephine, Napoleon’s wife, was an empress. I smiled and knew they had gotten it on the level of the archetype, far above the discussion as to who would feed the dogs.
Indeed, the positive change often begins when a woman claims her sovereignty in a relationship.
That may sound like an undue burden on women. In truth, it is, but we are collectively in the process of uncovering and working through conflict and discovering new paths at this time. Most women don’t complain that they are the ones who must carry and birth babies, because just as we don’t usually complain about gravity, we tend not to complain about what we can do nothing about.
Research shows that men and women complain equally, but about different things. Most men have not primarily focused on developing their capacity for being relational, which is the ability to take one’s self and the other person into consideration, without shame or blame. Both men and woman are responsible for this dilemma, and I often hear women say things like, “My husband is not capable of relating emotionally,” or “He’s not interested in how I feel.” The truth is, women often tell men what they think, how they feel, and what they are capable of. This is one of the most toxic traits a woman brings to the table and is not the least bit relational. And it doesn’t work!
I once offered an all-day event for couples and began by having the women sit inside the “fish bowl” while the men silently observed. The women were simply to introduce themselves and share why they were at the event. Not much of great noteworthiness happened with the women, but when the men were alone and the women could not interrupt, magic happened. The women were astounded that they were hearing things they had no idea their men were thinking or feeling. The men took more risks and went deeper. I realize this is not a research study sample, but it taught me something significant about the fear men often have of being overpowered by women in the relationship department.
Men often feel deeply and express very little of that depth with their partners, when in truth, having the courage to do that is essential if men and women are to find their common ground. It requires more of the king energy in a man, and less of the warrior, on both sides. There has been a trend for several decades of women stepping into their power with the warrior energy of Kali, the dark mother goddess of destruction in Hinduism, which never goes well in an intimate relationship. Now, women are being called to embody more queen energy, which takes big courage, because there is no guarantee that her man will step into his king energy. If he does not, an imbalance can arise, and many women leave such relationships. That does not have to remain the case, and I have helped many women claim that energy inside their relationship and have seen many men celebrate it. And yes, many men have withered or rebelled, depending upon their level of maturity.
It is true that women have played a more relational role throughout history and have developed that capacity, as men have developed other abilities that women have not. The culture of “toxic masculinity” has deeply wounded men in this area of life. The good news is that where we place our attention, we begin to manifest. Men are perfectly capable of being highly relational beings, and there is a powerful movement of men leaning in that direction while maintaining their masculinity. Relationality and masculinity are not mutually exclusive.
What are the choices men have? A man can cave in and give up his power, which I often observe as a man literally slouches, feeling defeated, like my client Dave. No woman can depend on him, because he is too depressed. He is not strong. He blames the woman for everything and is convinced she is the reason he feels the way he does. In such a relationship, a woman cannot lean in and be her best feminine self, and she either gets bitchier or withdraws, at which point, the relationship begins to wither.
Instead of caving, a man can resist, and such a man will fight his woman as if his life depended on it. He may become cold and punishing through withdrawal or burst into a rage and become a bully. These men scare women, and some men do both, like Eddie, who said in the first session, when he was still playing out his minion role, “As soon as she starts telling me what to do, I put my balls in the closet and just go along.” I asked him how long that lasted, and he smiled and said, “But then I rise up and let her know who’s boss.” The tirade of blame that follows is what Terrence Real calls “offending from the victim’s position.” When a man finds himself sulking, grabbing, or raging and also expects a woman to want him, he is quite delusional. And it doesn’t work!
After years of treating men and their families, Terrence Real wrote the powerful bookI Don’t Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression. Real brought male depression out of the closet as the silent epidemic in men that manifests as rage, addiction, workaholism, and challenges with intimacy, as well as abusive behavior that alienates those who love them. Real shows men how they can unearth their pain and heal, restoring relationships and ending the legacy of abuse. This is the work of letting go of the bravado of the false self and connecting deeply to the loveseed at the center of the Self. To their credit, more and more men have begun to do that work. Men have suffered the ravages of the patriarchy just as women have, with its focus on power and success over love and connection. My friend Gary Stamper writes in his book, Awakening The New Masculine, “The new masculine, this Divine Masculine, Eros, considers all other aspects, integrating and calling as many perspectives into his BE-ing as he can with fierce awareness, stretching the boundaries of what is possible, bravely holding space for the feminine, nature, body, spirit, integrity, authenticity, wisdom, and heart. The new masculine moves forward, aligningwith his true purpose and the full embodiment of presence for the highest good of all beings.”
The trance-ending choice for a man is not to cave in or to resist, but to remain fully present, no matter how a woman is going about her attempt to reach him. He must show up as his best self, whether she is complaining or criticizing or not. And women do. They complain that men are not more attuned, more tender, more strong and grounded and dependable, more interesting, more passionate—the list goes on. I have witnessed so often that a woman cannot really handle it when her man breaks down and cries and reveals his tender underbelly, just as he thought she said she wanted. It is confusing for a man, who just wants to know exactly what to do so that his partner is happy, and it’s confusing for women, because he does not want to be told what to do. Women need to learn how to make strong requests, and men need to learn to respond from a sovereign and loving place.
We are in the midst of a sea change when it comes to men and women, and it is far from over. Women have been resisting the cultural norms for nearly a century, while many men are still in The trance of unconscious privilege of being male that has been part of humanity’s history. I am not making excuses for men. What I do know is that almost every woman I know wants a man she can lean into so that she can allow the softer part of her to come forth. Even when she is angry, she wants him to be like a tree and not run away, but to plant his roots inside the ground of their relationship until she can find her way back to him. She must be willing to do the same for him, and he must be willing to risk being that vulnerable. It is an exquisitely orchestrated dance!
I have taught many men to be like a tree, and each time, when they really get what I am saying, there is a shift. I have them stand up and root and feel the difference when they are connected to the ground. Yes, a man is asked to be strong enough to remain present to a woman in her pain, as she is carrying so much of it, from all women, for eons. Is that an undue burden on men? Yes, but that is the way it must be for now. But it does not mean men need to take abuse from women or be used as sperm donors and discarded as useless beyond that.
Women need to make clear requests and eliminate complaints and criticism entirely. Couples therapist and researcher John Gottman discovered, after years of research, that the marriages that did work well all had one thing in common–the husband was willing to give in to the wife. Men need to allow themselves to be influenced by their wives, because women usually have some deeper wisdom that is needed, and the man may not be able to hear if she is complaining or criticizing.
It is said that women want love and men want respect. Yes, and women want respect, as well, and men want love. We want it all, and there is no reason why we should not have it. When a man fights his partner at every turn, questioning her judgment and right to autonomy, war is likely to break out. When what he does is never good enough in her eyes, defeat is inevitable.
I have known many men whose capacity for relatedness was as great as a woman’s, and many women whose capacity for being rational and focused trumped that of her masculine partner. It can be a choreography of chaos or an exquisite tango. I believe that both men and women are responsible for this dance, and in fact, there is no dance without the two of them—and there is only the dance.
