“Through me course wide rivers and in me rise tall mountains. And beyond the thickets of my agitation and confusion there stretch the wide plains of my peace and surrender. All landscapes are within me. And there is room for everything.” Etty Hillesum
It is Good Friday in the midst of a pandemic—the first in my nearly 68 years on earth. Many of my clients have heard me say, “An open heart is stronger than 10,000 shields.” There has never been a time when that is more true, and never been a time when embodying that truth is more difficult.
I listened to a wonderful mentor of mine, Jim Self, and his wife Roxanne, from Mastering Alchemy, and heard them say:
“Observe and recognize that the majority of the fear you may be experiencing is not yours. It’s the attention point of mass consciousness. It’s humanity’s fear pushing on the edge of your energy field. Please use your tools.” In other words, now is the time to apply and embody the spiritual and emotional truths that many have been learning to prepare for a time like this. Many have not, so it’s even more important for those who are called light workers and healers and way showers to use your tools to be able to maintain a connection to the love that transcends all fear.
BE the Truth
I have always been a seeker of Truth, and I think I have developed a fairly decent bullshit detector along the way, admittedly learning the hard way much of the time. What Jim and Roxanne are speaking about rings true for me—that I am experiencing the effects of a collective attention point of fear and panic, and it’s all mixed in with my own. In fact, I found myself questioning myself today, when someone I respect and love told me the lengths she is going to in order to remain safe from the virus. I began to feel left out of those who know what to do. I am simply not afraid. I feel sad and mad, but I am not afraid.
Don’t get me wrong. I have felt fear, and I passed through heart-pounding nightmares and sleepless nights just in the past week alone. I feel afraid for so many, for the suffering now and to come, and a deep sadness that we are being separated at a time when being together would help so much. I found myself feeling dark and withdrawn, especially after being at the mountain house away from everything for a week, with dear friends. There we built a beautiful firepit as 7 eagles flew overhead. Yup. We made magic, and my vision was clear. We prayed and cried around the fire for all the hearts in the world. As we drove back to DC, I felt a tightening around my chest and I had a harder time breathing.
There is a huge difference between feeling afraid because you are a human being experiencing such uncertainty, and actually BEING afraid. Many spiritual teachers have told us to be mindful what we say after the words “I AM.” It was challenging to feel afraid and then go deeper to feel the sadness and anger that so much freedom and dignity is being compromised. I felt furious that I don’t know the whole truth about what is going on, and have only bits and pieces from various sources that claim to know the Truth. Netflix doesn't take that away for me.
My bullshit detector has been ringing and ringing lately, and it scares the heck out of me that so many others are not having the same thing happen. My anger was displaced onto people who believe everything they are told, and then I really knew my heart was closing. I was losing compassion for others, because I had lost compassion for myself. Of course I was having a hard time. I needed to take my own medicine. I needed to BE the Truth.
What I tell myself when I feel afraid
The teacher Stephen Levine says that anything we fear more than keeping our hearts open will control us and be the source of great suffering. Every fear is a fear of the lower self, the ego. To reclaim the Self as master (My I AM Presence), I decide to no longer agree to the level of consciousness that agrees to fear. This helps everyone. I remind myself of this.
That doesn’t mean I ignore the recommendations of authorities I don’t trust. I have to think of others, and there are restrictions in place that we need now, as so much is going on that we don’t really know about. I won’t even mention the controversial information about viruses and other disturbing information that is going around. It rings true for me that I need to continue to strengthen my physical and spiritual immune systems every day. Lots of walking, yoga, and breathing with Win Hof. I highly recommend Grow a New Body: How Spirit and Power Plant Nutrients Can Transform Your Health to feel your best in these times.
What I do when I feel afraid
- I go inside my heart.
Sometimes I have to drop everything and take the time to curl up under a blanket and feel all the feelings in there. My little girl after being hit by my father, hiding in a closet, feeling total darkness. Those old feelings I’ve processed over and over are being triggered again. I know that is happening for so many of you. Couples are getting on each other’s nerves and recreating their co-joined childhoods. It’s all there for us to honor, embrace, soothe, and comfort. Our tender selves. Hold and be the light for our innocent selves.
How does that help you ask? First of all, you build the muscle of courage every time you turn around and walk toward the thing you are most afraid of—-your own tender feelings, your own trauma. It is being more than the trauma—the panic, the sorrow, the anger. It is grounding all that in the rising light. That way we can be a light for others. That’s the way it works.
- I use a tool of the light.
My friend Donna shared a beautiful exercise with me the other night. She learned it from her teacher, John-Roger. I did it this morning so that I could write this blog. I had too much darkness in me that I didn’t feel ready to write until I had done it.
Grounding with Christ Energy (Picture Christ or White Light or both)
Lie down.
Inhale all fear, excess charge and negativity down through your feel.
Imagine Christ’s feet at your feet, absorbing it all into white light of his body and sending it to the infinite star of light.
Feel it return to you on the exhale, showering and filling you with white light. Do this 7 times.
- I write.
I always date what I write, but I did not with this one. I remember it being around the time I had lost all my money and my health was low, and I felt so much fear, circa 2012.
My hope is that is helps you be less afraid.
Taking the Small Hand
Memories of the future
knowing everything again
Prophecies predicted
to prepare us
the difference now being
who we are
constantly becoming.
What if we could meet
each and every moment
with pure love
taking the small hand of fear
walking side by side
steady small steps
into an entirely new present
threshold after threshold
into a deeper communion
naked
just born
crying
new?!
- I use this affirmation to bring me into full presence.
I know who I am
I know what I am
I know how I serve
I am here.
I am here.
I am love.
- I connect with others in love.
