“Honor You Own Complexity.”
Mark Gerzon
Have you ever had that skin crawling feeling when someone demands a simple answer of you, on a complex matter that you need time to live into? Or realized at the end of a day that it is the same day you felt deep sorrow and ecstatic joy….. and no, you don’t need medication. How about the times you adore your partner or children, yet you want them to go on vacation without you, so that you can have your own vacation in quiet? How can you love them so much and still crave your own aloneness?
This is you. You are complex. In fact, I have seldom met a woman, and I have never met a woman entrepreneur, who is not highly complex, as a part of her gift, and a part of her great challenge. Notice that I did not say as a part of her curse. It is a matter of being able to honor all of who you are, and that is what we are here to do. All of us. The whole enchilada!
Here’s the thing…….until and unless you honor your own complexity, you cannot expect others to do so. You will be pulled in so many directions by all the various parts of yourself. This is both why women are better at multi-tasking than men and why they have a harder time focusing on one thing at time. We play so many roles and wear so many hats, that it is easier than you think to become estranged from the magnificent multidimensional being that you truly are. When that happens, you become less effective at what you are doing, because essential parts of you are not being honored and brought forward in your life and work. The role of “helper” can easily eclipse the role of “lover”, which I have seen in many women, as their intimate relationships suffer while they are building their business. The role of “servant” can eclipse the role of “queen” if you do not have sufficient boundaries in place with the people you serve.
Because I work with so many women who are in the business of transformation, helping others to alleviate suffering in some way, much of my work is reminding them of this essential truth, stated so beautifully by Roshi Joan Halifax: “We want to create a context of dignity for suffering people. To do so, it is essential to put our fingers on the pulse of our own hearts and make sure our own context of dignity is intact.” Yes, we must dignify ourselves by honoring all those parts of us, some of which we have become estranged from. Where did the little girl go who loves to get play and be silly with her friends? Where did the adventurer go who loves to travel to new places and try outrageous new foods? Where did the spiritual seeker go who would take time to meditate and connect to her soul?
One of the most powerful ways to reconnect to the many parts of yourself is to do some “mirror gazing.” You can do it in very short sessions at first, possibly 5 minutes of simply gazing at your own eyes in the mirror. Indeed, the eyes are the window to the soul, and will reflect back to you the many moods and aspects of who you are. You will see your sadness, you will see your anger, you will see your compassion. You may also see your own critic, the one who puts you down. The key to reaping the powerful benefits of doing this is to bring a spirit of acceptance and compassion to yourself, no matter what you see.
Sit down afterwards and write what you experienced. If you see exhaustion and weariness, ask yourself what one step you can take to honor the tired part of you. If you see an angry aspect of yourself, ask yourself what one thing you can do to honor that very important part of you. Do you need to set better limits with a particular client who cancels at the last minute, and make sure they know they are responsible for that time? Do you need to have a conversation with your partner about his or her lack of follow-through on promises made? If you see a sad part of you, ask yourself what you can do to bring back some joy? Do you want to start playing the piano again, or throw some clay the way you used to?
Honor these many parts of your complex self, and you will be amazed at how much more you can accomplish. This is because they will not be competing for your attention in all the unconscious and distracting behaviors in which you engage as a result of not honoring them. They are like children, who will act out if you do not give them sufficient attention to know they are important and cherished. They are the true source of your wealth and happiness, and worthy of great honor.
