“You have that love inside of you, where you came from, where there are no problems, no movement, no bodies, where there is no necessity for separation because all is one. You came out of that reality and into the rubbery matter of flesh. You pass through this flesh for seventy or eighty years and then the consciousness you are returns back into that place before conception. Knowledge of that love is deep inside you, deep inside your body, underneath your self. You can only love anything to the degree that you have a knowledge of this original love within you; the love of being one and not being many.” Barry Long
Love, in all its countless forms, stretches and expands you into a brave new world, a higher dimension of consciousness, beyond conflict and differences. Psychological theorist Eric Fromm says that “Love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence.”
The one thing that is in the way of leaning your entire life in the direction of love is the fear you have acquired, possibly over lifetimes. The one power that will set you free is surrendering to love. This is the apparent Catch 22 of being a spiritual being in a human body. The only actual fears that human infants are born with are the fear of loud noises and the fear of falling, so you can see that genuine loving involves an enormous amount of unlearning.
There is in each of us a memory of that which fails to go away—a love so sweet and of infinite proportions, the distant knowing of which creates within us a deep and abiding longing. It is our connection with the Divine, the I AM Presence. At first on earth we hopefully experience the embodied bliss of this union with our mother, and yet, that has not been true for many of you, which is an ever present wounding. On earth, so much of what we struggle with is in relationship, as we attempt to return to that perfect love.
Rather than return to what was, to the paradise of the Garden of Eden or some distant utopia, we are called now—NOW— to ascend to a more evolved way of loving that embraces all of life, including the conflict and struggle and the apparently unresolvable Catch 22’s of life.
When we cling to old ways of loving based on our wounds, and then attempt to get that which we should have gotten but did not, too great a pressure is heaped on any relationship.
We are not the things we do or have, but ancient wise beings. 
The great lesson of the Aquarian age, which most astrologers agree officially began in 2012, is to step beyond the boundaries of the personal, into a new kind of love. In addition to eros, which is intimate or romantic love, there is agape, a para personal love that is non-erotic, as in the love of God for humankind or of humankind for God, and cosmic love, a transpersonal love that holds all of us together. All three loves call us, and some of you are indeed already feeling the call toward cosmic love.
In the most practical sense, you must first let go of being right, and instead, make connection a priority. We all crave connection, but it cannot be on our terms alone. It means that we learn to be relational, taking others into account as powerfully as we do ourselves. It means we go for the deeper communion that involves a kind of reverence for the people in our lives, while at the same time being so very true to our highest selves, our dharma.
When we choose to partner with another in an intimate way, including sexually, we enter into a realm of connection that stirs the greatest fears of the tender heart. It is somehow different from all others, and this kind of “committed” or “exclusive” partnership carries with it several suitcases—lots of emotional baggage— filled with expectation.
We are wired to choose a partner onto whom we heap those impossible expectations, precisely in order to re-experience the hurt and have the opportunity to heal. The more conscious the people involved are about this repetition compulsion, as Freud termed it, the greater the growth.
I once heard a poignant teaching story about a young couple who loved each other very much, and decided to finally get married. They carefully wrote their wedding vows, including the well-meaning intention to love each other always, even if they “fall out of love,” and would then let each other go without fighting or hurting each other. When they took the vows to their Rabbi, whom they hoped would officiate at the wedding, the Rabbi read the vows and then looked at them with stern love, saying, “I cannot marry you. If you set out with the intention to open the door of your commitment when you fall out of love, then you will never know the love that is necessary to make a marriage work. “
As someone who has worked with hundreds of couples, I have held the sacred message of this story alongside the deep understanding of the need and right to separate. I leave the decision up to the couple, and help them make the choice that will allow both to remain connected to the love that brought them together in the first place.
Helen Fisher of Rutgers University has proposed 3 stages of love – lust, attraction, and attachment, and each stage is driven by different hormones and chemicals.
It is very possible and often happens that a person experiences the feeling of lust, attraction and attachment to different people, which is the cause of great pain and conflict that often cannot be resolved. The ecstatic state of romantic love where the two are symbiotic is always followed by a time when differences need to be sorted out, and the chemical high begins to wane. Attempted solutions range from secret affairs, open relationships, polyamory, swinging, and even shutting down sexuality all together.
The Belgian psychotherapist, Esther Perel says, “Today, we turn to one person to provide what an entire village once did: a sense of grounding, meaning, and continuity. At the same time, we expect our committed relationships to be romantic as well as emotionally and sexually fulfilling. Is it any wonder that so many relationships crumble under the weight of it all?”
Far too many people end their marriage feeling re-wounded and without healing having taken place. This happens when the couple fails to delve into the deeper exploration that would allow for the true gifts of their union to emerge. You can do this deeper exploration on your own, and learn so much about yourself by being willing to be vulnerable, taking ownership, and remaining compassionate toward yourself, but it is always much better for both to be able to do that together.
Rather than take responsibility for their contribution, many people turn that over to attorneys, who then play out the conflict on the legal battlefield. The real battle is always within each person, between their own inner masculine/feminine natures, as well as between their higher and lower natures. Whether in straight, gay, lesbian or transgendered partnerships, this dance of opposites plays out, and the wise person learns to look within for the answer.
Sacred Union is the archetype of Oneness that symbolizes the healing of all the splits that we multidimensional humans have concocted over millions of years. When the partners in a marriage are willing to do that inner work, opening to the messages from their souls, a very different opportunity arises out of the apparent conflict. The question then shifts from whether to remain or leave the relationship, to how one can live as the true Beloved of one’s own Soul and remain in relationship to the other person.
In other words, what form will the relationship take, if each person is true to their primary vow, which is to their own soul? Even if the two choose to separate, they can remain true to the vow to love and cherish each other. At times, leaving each other is the only way the only way to remain true to either vow.
Love does not die. It takes countless forms and is ever present. Even if the two choose to separate, they can remain true to the vow to love and cherish each other. At times, leaving each other is the only way to remain true to either vow.
When an intimate relationship comes to an end, especially if there is unresolved conflict in the process, it is a profound opportunity for a person to return to the Self and spend time collecting the parts of Self which have been scattered or given away, and to reflect on the part he/she has played in the relationship. This process is essential in order to heal and carry the light of consciousness into future connections.
When you come to the end of a significant relationship, I suggest:
- Find a good relationship coach or therapist and explore your relational template and learn, learn, learn from what has happened.
- Go on retreat by yourself. You can be among people there, but go on your own. Ideas for East coast are Omega, and Kripalu, and on the West coast, Esalen.
- Develop a steady meditation or self-reflection practice.
It is a painful and confusing choice to end a relationship, yet it can be done in a way that brings great freedom and joy for all concerned. The transformation each person must be willing to go through for that to happen has ripple effects that alter our conventional views about what it means to be a family, and can be the doorway to an ever widening circle of embrace.
