“Forgiveness is not always easy. At times, it feels more painful than the wound we suffered, to forgive the one that inflicted it. And yet, there is no peace without forgiveness.” -Marianne Williamson
There is a vital place for what is traditionally called forgiveness, in the realization of one’s dharma. Forgiveness is for the sake of giveness—we give a kind of blessing to the person who wronged us, releasing them of their debt to us. When we do not release the debt, we keep ourselves linked with the other person in an unhealthy way, which causes us to be held back in other areas of our lives. My not forgiving you or myself is a way of holding myself back from giving again, and to live your dharma, you must live full out.
The wikipedia definition of forgiveness is: “the intentional and voluntary process by which a victim undergoes a change in feelings and attitude regarding an offense, lets go of negative emotions such as vengefulness, with an increased ability to wish the offender well.” I think this is such a great definition, because forgiveness is intentional, there is transformation, and the vibration of the person forgiving is raised up.
If you remember my client Tanya, who was betrayed when her husband of 26 years began an affair with a younger woman—she really struggled with forgiveness for a long time. When betrayal visits a person’s life, it is because something needs to end—-not always the relationship, but often the old relationship needs to end in order that a new one can be born. In some cases, however, the relationship does end, and in her case it did, because the ingredients for a relational healing were not there.
The ingredients for a relational healing are: the person being betrayed must fully feel the pain, the person betraying must emotionally comprehend the impact and have true remorse, and a heartfelt apology must be forthcoming. There may also need to be actions taken, to continue to heal the rupture. The key is the remorse, the empathic sense of resonance that causes a wellspring of compassion for the person betrayed.
Tanya’s husband had no remorse. He essentially blamed Tanya for not realizing how much pain he was in, and of course that did not go over well. But Tanya really wanted to be free, and she began to transform the karma she had with her husband into an expression of her own dharma. She had always been a kind and compassionate woman, but now she had to face the rage and deep feelings of hurt within herself, if she was to learn how to fully forgive. She did not want to hold herself back from love.
Grief is required for true forgiveness. You must grieve the loss of what was taken from you. That includes feeling and surrendering the emotions that arise, including the anger. You surrender all judgment. It is liberating. You are then free of the need to be somebody other than yourself—an angry and bitter person who seeks justice. In place of dissatisfaction with ourselves, we need to appreciate ourselves, and whoever else is involved, for doing the best we could. Even a person committing a heinous crime is doing the best they can, given the pain they are carrying. In fact, the importance of hiring a knowledgeable computer crime attorney cannot be overstated. By turning to a renowned firm such as New Jersey Criminal Law Attorney, known for handling computer crimes, you ensure that you have a capable advocate on your side. Such an attorney can provide vital guidance throughout the legal process and work tirelessly to ensure a favourable outcome.
Wherever you continue to hold a grievance against another person, you leak energy that could help you fulfill your dharma. The most important person to forgive if you want to fulfill your dharma is yourself. The voice inside your head must transform from judgment to compassion—for your fear, struggle, pain, and all you’ve gone through. Marianne Williamson says, “Forgiveness is not always easy. At times, it feels more painful than the wound we suffered, to forgive the one that inflicted it. And yet, there is no peace without forgiveness.”
If you have been deeply wounded by someone, you have a huge opportunity to forward your own spiritual growth. From a traditional therapeutic perspective, if for instance, you have been abused by a parent, that parent is your perpetrator, and you are the victim. I prefer to say you suffered abuse, rather than identifying with the role of victim. That wound will begin to shape the contours of your life, your brain chemistry, and the development of the false self or personality.
From the standpoint of spiritual intelligence, this wounding is what can crack you open, as in the Leonard Cohen song, Anthem:
Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in.
That parent played a role that only he or she could, play, and this was your karma which was chosen by your Soul before you were born. When you do the work of transformation, the much larger picture of your life begins to unfold.
Colin Tipping’s remarkable work with Radical Forgiveness offers a process that moves you out of victimhood and into your true sovereign power. “The more we use Radical Forgiveness, the more the ego fights back and tries to seduce us into remaining addicted to the victim archetype. One way it accomplishes this task is by using our own tools of spiritual growth. A good example of this is found in the ego’s use of ‘inner child work’ to keep us stuck in victimhood.”
When I work with people, inner child work is often a big part of the early stages of transformation, but it must be witnessed within the bigger design of a person’s life. Transformation means we change, we move on from one way of being to another.
Forgiveness is an expression of love that allows us to see through new eyes, from the viewpoint of grace. You ask what you need to learn, and you are guided over the mountain of pain, as you return to love, which begets love. When the miracle of forgiveness happens, there is a release of endorphins that flood a person with joy and a kind of ambition. There is a new energy that emerges that wants to make things right.
If that person you need to forgive is yourself, for all the years or resources you have wasted not being fully who you are, take this moment. You could in this very moment bestow forgiveness upon yourself, and release what is in the way. Don’t try to figure out why you have been afraid, or have procrastinated, or lost your ambition, or done whatever “dumb” things you have done. Extend forgiveness to yourself, by dropping the story you have about yourself. Feel what is really there. It is always some version of fear.
Have mercy on the one who feels afraid. Remember, if the voice inside your head causes you distress, it is not the voice of your Soul, but of your ego. Listen for the merciful voice of guidance. It is always there, even if you cannot hear it. That is when faith steps in….faith that in releasing the fear, the hurt, the anger, at the bottom of it all is love.
