“Love comes when manipulation stops; when you think more about the other person than about his or her reactions to you. When you dare to reveal yourself fully. When you dare to be vulnerable.” Joyce Brothers
A great enemy of love arises when two people vie for martyrdom in a relationship, which was happening far too often for Joan and Eddie. I recall from the very first session that Eddie referred to himself as a minion, which is a servile follower of a powerful person. Ironically, Joan did not feel powerful at all in the relationship, and no matter what she did, Eddie would not step up on his own to help carry the load that having two young children entailed. They both worked as attorneys, but Joan’s work was more demanding and she worked longer hours, so she needed Eddie to become the adult and just do what needed to be done. When he didn’t, she felt like a martyr, which prompted her to nag and demand. This gave Eddie reason to withdraw, and so it went, over and over, until they reached out for help.
As they began to disentangle the knot they had co-created, I introduced the idea of each of them being sovereign and always at choice in the relationship, To be sovereign means to be self-governing and independent, rather than co-dependent and needy of the other person's approval or permission. Boundaries were put into place where Eddie could say “No” and not have hell to pay, and he began to do more without being asked. Joan felt more supported, but she still sometimes needed to make requests rather than the demands she had been making. I asked them to imagine that they were King and Queen of their home and that they worked together to make sure that all in the King/Queendom were getting their needs met. The qualities of the King/Queen archetype are power, dignity, protection of the common good, fairness, compassion, leadership—all greatly needed in their relationship.
Indeed, the positive change often begins when a woman claims her sovereignty in a relationship. The power of the feminine is unstoppable. Women must stop seeking from men what they can only give themselves, and most men don’t treat a woman like a Queen if she is acting like a martyr or a nag. Simply getting her partner to understand her feelings is not enough. Instead, she needs to put her energy into becoming the woman who inspires him to show up as the man she longs for. If he doesn’t, she is clear that this is his issue, and she must come to terms with that reality in her own way. I have seen a woman remain stuck in a totally unhealthy relationship trying to get her man to change, in part because she knows that she is not her best. When she becomes the Queen, she knows what to do. A Queen can both be benevolent and say “off with your head.”
That may sound like an undue burden on women. In truth, it is a big responsibility, and must be understood as part of a collective process of dismantling the aspects of patriarchy that are antithetical to intimacy and connection, and creating new paths and bridges for relationships. Most women don’t complain that they are the ones who must carry and birth babies, because just as we don’t usually complain about gravity, we tend not to complain about what we can do nothing about.
Research shows that men and women complain equally, but about different things. Most men have not primarily focused on developing their capacity for being relational, and I see men defer over and over to women in this arena. Both men and woman are responsible for this dilemma, and I often hear women say things like, “My husband is not capable of relating emotionally,” or “He’s not interested in how I feel.” The truth is, women often tell men what they think, how they feel, and what they are capable of. This is one of the most toxic traits a woman brings to the table and is not the least bit relational.
I once offered an all-day event for couples and began by having the women sit inside the “fish bowl” while the men silently observed. The women were simply to introduce themselves and share why they were at the event. Not much of great noteworthiness happened with the women, but when the men were alone and the women could not interrupt, magic happened. The women were astounded that they were hearing things they had no idea their men were thinking or feeling. The men took more risks and went deeper. I realize this is not a research study sample, but it taught me something significant about the fear men often have of being overpowered by women in the relationship department.
Men often feel deeply and express very little of that depth with their partners, when in truth, having the courage to do that is essential if men and women are to find their common ground. It requires more of the King energy in a man, and less of the Warrior, on both sides. There has been a trend for several decades of women stepping into their power, often with the Warrior energy of Kali, the goddess of destruction. Now, women are being called to embody more Queen energy, which takes big courage, because there is no guarantee that her man will step into his King energy. If he does not, an imbalance can arise, and many women leave such relationships. That does not have to remain the case, and I have helped many women claim that energy inside their relationship and have seen many men celebrate it. And yes, many men have withered or rebelled, depending upon their level of maturity.
What are the choices men have? A man can cave in and give up his power, which I often observe as a man literally slouches, feeling defeated, like my client Dave. No woman could depend on him, because he is too depressed and blames the woman for everything, convinced that she is the reason he feels the way he does. In such a relationship, a woman cannot lean in and be her feminine self and gets bitchier and bitchier if she does not hold on to herself and transcend the urge to be a nag.
Instead of caving, a man can resist, and such a man will fight his woman as if his life depended on it. He may become cold and punishing through withdrawal or burst into a rage and become a bully. These men scare women. Some men do both, like Eddie, who said in the first session, when he was still playing out his minion role, “As soon as she starts telling me what to do, I put my balls in the closet and just go along.” I asked him how long that lasted, and he smiled and said, “But then I rise up and let her know who’s boss.” The tirade of blame that follows is what psychotherapist Terrence Real calls “offending from the victim’s position.” When a man finds himself sulking, grabbing, or raging and also expects a woman to want him, he is quite delusional. It doesn’t work this way.
After years of treating men and their families, Real wrote the powerful book I Don’t Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression. Real brought depression out of the closet as the silent epidemic in men that manifests as rage, addiction, workaholism, and challenges with intimacy, as well as abusive behavior that alienates those who love them. Real shows men how they can unearth their pain and heal, restoring relationships and ending the legacy of abuse. This is the work of letting go of the bravado of the false self and connecting deeply to the true Self. To their credit, more and more men have begun to do that work. Men have suffered the ravages of the patriarchy just as women have, with its focus on power and success over love and connection.
The trance-ending choice for a man is not to cave in or to resist, but to remain fully present, no matter how a woman is going about her attempt to reach him. He must show up as his best self, whether she is complaining or criticizing or not. And women do. They complain that men are not more attuned, more tender, more strong and grounded and dependable, more interesting, more passionate—the list goes on. I have witnessed so often that a woman cannot really handle it when her man breaks down and cries and reveals his tender underbelly, just as he thought she said she wanted. It is confusing for a man, who just wants to know exactly what to do so that his partner is happy, and it’s confusing for women, because he does not want to be told what to do. Women need to learn how to make strong requests, and men need to learn to respond from a sovereign and loving place.
We are in the midst of a sea of change when it comes to men and women, and it is far from over. Women have resisted the cultural norms for nearly a century, while many men are still in the trance of unconscious privilege of being male that has been part of humanity’s history. I am not making excuses for men. What I do know is that almost every woman I know wants a man she can lean into so that she can allow the softer part of her to come forth. Even when she is angry, she wants him to be like a tree and not run away, but to plant his roots inside the ground of their relationship until she can find her way back to him. She must be willing to do the same for him, and he must be willing to risk being that vulnerable. It is an exquisitely orchestrated dance and can be the birthplace of true maturity, defeating the enemies of love, and revealing the golden essence of each person.
