“If we knew just how powerfully our thoughts, words, and actions affected the hearts of those around us, we’d reach out and join hands again and again.” Tara Brach
Most of my inspiration to write this blog comes from working directly with clients, and there are themes that show up in my practice on a regular basis. One of them has to do with the most powerful weapon any human possesses—the power to hurt another human being with words.
We have all heard the mantra of childhood, “Sticks and Stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me,” which is advice given by adults to deal with bullying and the slings and arrows of life. It’s basically a misguided attempt to toughen a child up and encourage the child to ignore name-calling, jeering and verbal abuse, and only be concerned with physical harm. It encourages the denial of the very real sting of words, and often children who are hurt by words are called “overly sensitive,” which is another abuse of words. It’s just another example of the rampant denial of emotions that pervades our mentally based culture.
This belief is also a back-handed way of condoning verbal violence, and the very same parents often use words to hurt their children. It sends a message that seems to leave many people, as adults, with the mistaken notion that they are entitled to unbridled self-expression without consequence. NOT TRUE!!!!
Lately I have been struck by how often the majority of a session with a couple is spent dealing with the deep sense of hurt and subsequent withdrawal in one (or both) who have been shamed or accused of being something despicable, unlovable, or even hated by their partner. The damage runs deep, and erodes emotional trust as few things can. And yes, most often, the very same people care deeply and love each other, when they are in their adult ego states, and holding themselves in compassion. Always, at the heart of such interactions, is the lack of self-love and self-compassion that leads a person to spew venom at their partner (or child or friend or parent).
The truth is that we all have many different ego-states. When I work with clients, I teach them about the three parts of the self which is based on the work of Pia Melody, a respected and preeminent authority, lecturer and educator in the fields of addiction and relationships. The three parts of the self include the Wounded Child, the Adapted Adult Child, and the Functional Adult.
The Wounded Child part of us easily feels overwhelmed, and most often has been on the receiving end of the abuse/neglect cycle, and as a result feels “less than,” at times too dependent, gets flooded, and often dissociates. This part of us lacks self-empathy, and our task is to provide love and compassion for that part of the self.
The Adapted Adult Child is the part of us that adapted to or accommodated the abuse/neglect, and the part that helped us survive when we were little. S/he is a black and white thinker, often self-righteous, harsh and relentlessly critical of the wounded child and others. The Adapted Adult Child often feels superior, and is the highly reactive part of us who lashes out then our buttons get pushed. This part of us lacks empathy toward self and others, and needs to be taught to contain the hurtful and stinging words that often fly out of its mouth.
The Functional Adult part of us is forgiving, human and flexible, and capable of nuance. This part considers him/herself as equal to others, and is what some Terrence Real calls the “secondary consciousness,” or the voice that tells us to slow down, take a breath, and think about this. It is the voice of reason and maturity that interrupts the knee-jerk reaction of the initial (primary consciousness), and offers a constructive alternative. The Functional Adult is appropriately empathic toward both self and others, and has the ability to step up and lovingly demote the Adapted Adult Child and hold the Wounded Child in compassion.
What is required for this powerful shift to take place is that we consciously make the decision to change, and learn the new behavior, and practice, practice, practice, just as we would have to if we wanted to learn to play an instrument. In essence, we need to practice mindfulness, which is the quality or state of being conscious or aware of something. Few if any of us have had good models, and you didn’t learn about those parts of self from your parents or in school. It’s unlikely that you would suddenly change if you have been a person who has felt entitled to hurt others with your words, and often people learn the hard way, by destroying or losing relationships as a result. As Terry says, “Growing into this functional adult part of the self, arming it with tools, and strengthening its power to override automatic reactions is the essence of relationship practice.”
In the meantime, if you are learning, let the people in your life know that you are working at changing that behavior, and ask for their support and patience—and let them know that you may need to walk away from conflict for a while, to calm down, and then come back to deal with it from the Functional Adult part of yourself. You may have a great deal of repair to do if you have been accustomed to letting it fly!
And always, always, have compassion for yourself, even when you are unable to shift to second consciousness in time. Own your mistake, make amends, and renew your commitment to learning how to be a full-fledged adult
