“When a great ship is in harbor and moored, it is safe, there can be no doubt. But …that is not what great ships are built for. “
Clarissa Pinkola Estes
The quote above really touched me as I read it on the Go Gratitude site, especially after some of the “greatness” I witnessed this past week in my office. As I sit with so many couples, I watch some of the most quiet and humble people take such huge risks to maintain and grow their love. I also see many people, often very smart, successful, and with strong personalities, who hide behind the need to be right or simply don’t allow themselves to be vulnerable, or simply are too busy to make the time, and remain moored in their safe harbors, disconnected and unhappy.
Sometimes the very qualities that support a person to be successful in the world become a hindrance to taking risks in a relationship. The capacity to be logical, analytical, focused on the bottom line, or have certainly and confidence, may get in the way of the vulnerable act of admitting that you are hurt or lonely or feeling insecure, and may blind you to the heroic acts of compassion and empathy that are being asked of you. I have learned to never judge a person by the power of their personality, but to look for the courage within their souls. 
Don’t confuse taking risks in relationships with the adrenalized risk-taking behavior that is applauded in our fast-paced culture. It has nothing to do with great outer achievements, but with the willingness to reveal your innermost feelings to another person, including the feelings of sadness, fear, shame, and anger, in a way that does not blame or shame the other person. It involves being vulnerable on that most basic level of your human longing, and risking rejection, ridicule, or simply being ignored or misunderstood. It involves being able to validate yourself when your partner cannot, and to maintain compassion in the face of the other person’s limitations.
Psychotherapist Terrence Real says in his book, How Can I Get Through to You: Closing the Intimacy Gap Between Men and Women, “Just as intimacy’s degenerative course is comprised of thousands of small moments of disconnection, relational recovery is comprised of moments of grace. They are the atoms of regeneration.” He calls these moments of “relational heroism” that occur when everything in you wants to play it safe and devolve into your old, conditioned survival responses with your partner, but you hold onto your best and most compassionate self.
I witnessed this so powerfully when a couple came to me just days after he admitted to having had a 9-month affair with a much younger woman. Marie was naturally devastated, and so was Matthew, because he loved Marie and their two children and the life they had created, and he didn’t know why he did it, as having the affair was entirely against his core values. As Matthew was willing to dig deeper into what might have motivated his infidelity, he admitted to feeling like a failure, being miserable in this job, and feeling trapped by the responsibilities of parenthood that would prevent him from pursuing something he could feel more passionate about. When a free-spirited younger co-worker took an interest in him, he was vulnerable to the “high” it gave him, and began down the slippery slope of seduction.
Marie made the decision to work with Matthew to see what was possible with their marriage. In the new and improved women’s movement we are experiencing, women everywhere are not “putting up” with indecent behavior by men, and many women would be quick to disconnect in such a situation. But taking risks in relationships involves context and seeing beneath and beyond the reaction of the moment. She listened to her heart, and declared her needs—-Matt would need hold a space for her to express herself fully, He would need to be a fully present witness to her fury and sorrow, and allow that to impact his heart in the deepest possible way. He would have to focus on her, and not get lost in his own shame.
He did it beautifully, with deep empathy, and she did the same for him, as he unraveled before her eyes, and admitted what he had been so terrified to acknowledge about his life. With dignity and devotion, they explored the possibility of Matthew leaving to “find himself,” and Marie became willing to let him to go with love. Matthew chose to stay, as the love he felt from Marie allowed him to experience a new sense of freedom that he never imagined possible.
Marie and Matthew weathered the storm of infidelity and strengthened their relationship by taking enormous emotional risks that paid off in a deeper commitment. They made their relationship the safe harbor that only courage can create, as a new trust developed from their willingness to take risks.
