“There can be no keener revelation of a society’s soul than the way in which it treats its children.”
Nelson Mandela
Though I primarily work with adults, I often see the children of clients I work with, and I must admit to learning something new every time one of these amazing “new kids” graces me with their presence. I say “new kids” because this generation of young people have a different consciousness than most adults over 40, and they are being raised by parents who have at least realized the debilitating effects of shame and criticism. In my case, their parents have sought help to heal and be better human beings, and that includes the way they parent their children.
So I was delighted to have 10 year-old Abbey come in with her step-father, Dave, recently, to get my help in being heard by him. When I asked Abbey why she called meeting, she turned to Dave, a former military man who loves her deeply, and said, “I want help from Kathleen in having my voice heard. You tell me you are all ears, and then when I tell you something you don’t like, you just push what I said away and start talking over me, and it makes me want to just give up and be quiet. But I don’t want to do that anymore.” I asked Dave to mirror back what Abbey said, and to see if there was any truth to that. He acknowledged there was.
Now mind you, Abbey said that with far more clarity and assertiveness than most any 40 year-old woman I have had sitting across from her husband in my office. What more often happens in such cases is that the wife has already given up and stopped sharing her truth with her husband whose defensive reactions are meant to shut the conversation down. It’s an old story that simply must change, and it seems this generation, born into the Me-too movement, is ready to re-write it. And of course, let me give a round of applause to Dave, for being willing to be a part of the collective healing process!
I told Abbey that she has a captive audience, and to go ahead and let Dave know some of the things that are on her mind.
Abbey: “Now I know you may not even know you are doing it, and you certainly don’t now how it effects me, and I know you mean well, because you are trying to teach me, but there is something you do that really annoys me and doesn’t work to get me to change the things you want me to change.”
Imagine that. Abbey gave Dave the benefit of the doubt and assumed good will, even though his behavior irritated her. It’s one of the keys to healthy communication that seems to be missing with combative adults.
I urged Abbey to give an example:
“When you tell me to do something, like the other day, when you got mad at me and gave me a lecture about making sure the door is locked after my friend leaves, I got it. Then I did it, after my friend left, and you thanked me for doing it, but then you gave me another lecture about how important it is. All you had to do is say ‘thank you,’ and leave it at that.”
I asked Dave to reflect that back, which he did, and caught himself as he was about to launch into a mini-lecture on how he was just trying to reinforce how important it was.
We all smiled, and I was totally relating to both of them, and thinking how much I had longed to have my own father really listen to me and re-shape his own behavior, instead of always focusing on shaping me.
I asked Abbey to tell Dave why it was important to her that Dave focus more on the improvements she was making, and drop the lecture, and she explained that it made her want to keep improving, but that if she did what he wanted and still got the lecture, she didn’t feel as motivated. It didn’t seem to make a difference.
Dave spoke up, and asked Abbey what she thinks he should do about the things that never seem to change, like the piles of clothes on her floor. Abbey admitted that she really has a hard time remembering to focus on that problem, but that she is trying, and does not need a lecture. They agreed that Dave would simply make the request when he sees that she forgot, and will refrain from lecture mode. We all agreed that their connection was far more important than a clean floor, and had a lively discussion about how we all have habits that are hard to break.
Then Abbey said, “I forget things, because they fly out of my head. I guess that happens with you to. You are a big and successful man and you are used to bossing a lot of people around, so it’s easy for you to forget that it doesn’t work that way with me. It only makes me afraid of you, and that’s not what you want. So it’s OK if you forget sometimes.”
Another key to healthy communication—-empathy, putting yourself in the place of the other person. Remember, Abbey is 10. Honestly, I don’t see that between adults much of the time—and it’s actually one of the main skills that I teach, over and over.
Take a moment and think about the gift Dave and Abbey are giving each other, crossing the generational and gender divide in a time of escalating hate and division. This makes me want to jump for joy, and feel hopeful for a very different world some day.
I will date myself with this song, and I am proud to be a boomer still learning from the children. In truth, the words are timeless, and the wisdom eternal.
Youtube of Teach Your Children, by Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young
Teach you children well
Your father's hell did slowly go by
And feed them on your dreams
The one they pick
The one you'll know by
Don't you ever ask them why
If they told you, you would cry
So just look at them and sigh
And know they love you
And you of tender years
Can't know the fears
That your elders grew by
And so please help
Them with your youth
They seek the truth
Before they can die
Teach your parents well
The children's hell
Will slowly go by
And feed them on your dreams
The one they pick
The one you'll know by
Don't you ever ask them why
If they told you, you would cry
So just look at them and sigh
And know they love you
