“And remember, as it was written, to love another person is to see the face of God.” — Les Miserables
Here is an excerpt from my book, Activating Your Loveseed: Revealing the Blueprint for a Better World:
I tell the couples I work with that their relationship is really their child, and that the well-being of that child depends on how they both take care of it. When things aren’t positive between them, I have them see their relationship as a fussy child that needs to be tended too. Possibly more attention, maybe better boundaries and more structure, less work and more fun. Every person can always choose to bring something better to any relationship, if the need to be right is surrendered. When the well-being of the child is not more important than being right, the couple begin sliding down a very slippery slope, and I mean this in the literal sense of an actual child, as well as the metaphorical child of the relationship.
Two of my most inspiring teachers on relationship are Steven and Ondrea Levine, who devoted their lives to teaching and living as examples of love. Here is what they have to say about conscious relationship:
A conscious relationship teaches us to treat ourselves and others as our only child. And to do it mindfully. It does not break the heart. A conscious relationship is as healing and life-affirming as an unconscious, old-style relationship is at times harmful and life-denying. The harmful effect of an unconscious relationship is that it keeps us so small, dependent on external circumstances for our happiness. More needs than gifts are brought to such an entanglement. But a conscious relationship offers the possibility of relating across the gulf of I and other all the way into the heart of our beloved. A conscious relationship allows us to remain conscious while in relationship. It's a whole new ball game.”
So why wouldn’t everyone want a conscious relationship? In truth, such a relationship involves both people being willing to move through the layers to connect to their loveseeds, which involves a rather heroic effort. It means letting go of your defenses and fully opening to the other person. It means a depth of a devotion to the other as Beloved, and that is not for the faint-hearted.
The good news is that poets, philosophers, musicians, psychologists, along with spiritual teachers, theologians, scientists and authors have been sharing about this path for thousands of years. To make it practical and simple, there are three key elements required for a conscious relationship. They are not always easy for human beings to cultivate, but they are essential;. vulnerability, responsibility, and compassion. When all three are present, you have the ingredients for a conscious relationship, which can be fully cooked by the heat of your love.
Brene Brown says, “Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren’t always comfortable, but they are never weakness.” The Greek word for truth is aletheia, which means to un-hide or hiding nothing. Truth is the sexiest quality you can bring to a relationship, and often resuscitates waning passion. It is a privilege to receive another person’s truth. Being in an intimate relationship where both people are committed to being vulnerable is one of the fastest paths to enlightenment——and one of the most difficult and rewarding.
Responsibility is when you fully own what you have done to create a rupture or to hurt your partner. In healing from a betrayal, it is essential that the betrayer take full ownership for what he/she has done to hurt the other—with no excuses. Blaming someone else for your own actions is a form of betrayal, because you become untrustworthy even to yourself, and it is a huge obstacle to compassion.
Compassion is the sweet nectar of genuine love, and is most difficult and most needed when we have been wounded by our partner. If you are the one who has been hurt, you must remember your partner’s vulnerability, their imperfections, and be willing to accept a genuine repair, while remaining compassionate toward the self. If you are the one who has hurt your partner, it is an act of love to defer the gratification of telling your side of things and to remain a compassionate listener to your partner, taking the third position of doing what serves the relationship best, all the while remaining compassionate toward the self, no matter what you have done. You need no excuses when you realize you are always doing the best you can, and when the best is hurtful to your partner, or anyone else for that matter, you determine to do something about it.
Failure to be compassionate toward others is always an indication that you are not holding a space of mercy and compassion for self. Compassion for self is the well from which you draw an endless source of compassion for others. It is each person’s responsibility to make sure that when that well is running dry, steps are taken to bring it to fullness again. That brings you back to personal responsibility. You can see how each of these three qualities strengthens the other.
Example:
John: You haven't initiated any contact at all lately.
Mark: Neither have you.
John: I am last on your list it seems.
Mark: You are married to your phone anyhow.
You can make up the rest with your version of it. No compassion, vulnerabliity or responsibility.
With the three ingredients present, imagine this:
John: Babe, I miss you. (vulnerability) What can I do to ease your worry? (compassion) I've been giving you space, but I wonder if that is what you need right now. I am here for you if you want to connect, but if you need your space, I'm OK. I will just keep checking now and then. (responsibility)
You can make up the rest with your version of it. All three were present this time.
The Jewish Philosopher, Martin Buber said that our relationships live in the space between us, not in either of the people involved, nor in the dialogue, but in the space lived by the two. Buber called this space “sacred.” This space is the relational space, and one of my inspiring teachers, Hedy Schleifer, speaks of three invisible connectors: the relational space, the bridge between the worlds, and the encounter. “When we don’t know about the space, we pollute it quite automatically with a word, a look, a reaction, a withdrawal, a criticism, a judgment. We put it there unconsciously. And the space becomes uncomfortable.”
Hedy says that we take responsibility for the relational space when we cross the bridge to the world of the other with our full presence—-with vulnerability, compassion, and responsibility. This is the encounter, and is at the heart of a conscious relationship. Enjoy her phenomenal Ted Talk here.
