“He who knows others is clever. He who knows himself has discernment.” Laozi
When I find myself having conversations about the same topic several times in a week, I have learned to pay attention. Experience tells me that I am about to learn something or need to clarify something for myself, since I am the common denominator along with the topic in the several conversations.
The topic lately has been about judgment, and judging others. Some say we shouldn’t and need somehow to transcend our judging ego-mind, and others claim that we can’t help it and that we need to in order to survive.
Experience has shown me that both are true, and that integrating them into a higher order of consciousness is both needed and possible, and not merely a step up from judgment. In fact, this higher order which I call discernment, is the opposite of judgment. Let’s look at them both.
To access true wisdom, we must heal our tendency to judge which leads us to separate and be separate from others. The reptilian parts of our brains are wired for separation, and the RAS (reticular activating system) which is a part of the survival brain is constantly sorting and deciding what is safe, OK, in our best interest, leading us to our hidden and not so hidden goals. This is all based on often unconscious beliefs we have acquired from parents, churches, the culture, and impactful experiences which wire our brains a certain way. We need this RAS, which is below the level of consciousness, and yet, It’s as if we have no choice in what we judge, when it comes right down to it—-unless we use a different part of the brain that is involved with higher consciousness and has the capacity for empathy—the cerebral cortex connected to the heart. The heart-brain connection allows us to develop a refined discernment without judgment.
We all judge all the time, and these judgments elicit feelings that we judge to be wanted or not wanted, positive or negative. The judging mind is adept at putting things into categories. We judge that it’s too bad that it’s raining on the day we wanted to go kayaking, and then we feel sad or mad. We judge a person for drinking too much, and then feel cold toward him. We judge the president for heartless policies that harm innocent children, and lawmakers for doing nothing, and we become critical or hopeless. We judge whether the dinner we just paid $24 for was worth it, and whether we ate too much and if our judgment was that we did, we may feel guilty, or mad at ourselves.
Then there is the legal aspect of judgment, and what is judged to be within the law or not. The original laws were based on judgments as to what is right and wrong, good and bad for society. Our ideas and the times change, consciousness evolves, and new challenges arise, and therefore, laws must be revisited and considered from new perspectives. If that does not happen, vastly separate factions emerge as no higher order of discernment is been attained, because rather than coming together, the polarity becomes more charged and the distance greater. We are there now as a culture and as a world, in almost every area of our lives. Judgment has gotten us into a fine mess!
To move in the direction of discernment, you shift from judgment to loving allowance or loving disallowance, which are very different from right or wrong. Discernment is the act of loving allowance or loving disallowance. Take the example of the rattlesnake: you could easily allow it to live in the desert where it may serve its place in nature, and yet disallow it to live in your back yard. In other words, you would avoid it and most likely do something about removing it.
To strengthen the muscle of shifting from judgment to discernment, you can do this exercise:
1. Make a list of 10 people and or things you judge. This could be dishonest or selfish people in general, or specific people in your life. It could be politics, medical care, or people who eat junk food. It could be the irritating behaviors of a child or spouse……things that get to you.
This is not an exercise about taking back projections, but one where you decide clearly whether you can lovingly disallow or lovingly allow this annoyance in your life.
Think about a friend who drinks too much and ends up needing to be taken care of frequently, and which you find irritating. Can you honestly lovingly allow this in your life and refrain from judgment? If you discern that you cannot, the healthiest thing to do is to lovingly disallow this in your life, which could mean speaking to your friend, or deciding to limit your contact, or both, depending upon how receptive your friend is to having empathy for your discomfort.
Some are tougher than others, especially when it comes to family and close relationships. There are times with those we love who may be ill, or who need extra care, such as infants who cry all night, where no amount of loving disallowance will do. Those are times when the highest form of discernrment is radical acceptance, with lots of love behind it.
Put an A or a D for allowance or disallowance next to each of the items listed above. Where you have D, you face the challenge of having a conversation or making some changes that may not be comfortable, and yet, you can do it free from judgment. It is more challenging, requires more nuance, honesty, and far greater compassion and creativity.
If you lovingly disallow families being torn apart, become active in helping with marching, money, prayers, using the situation as a teaching for your children. Here is a facebook campaign raising money now. You can respond without 2-dimensiional judgment, and instead use discernment which is multidimensional and has positive impact.
Put RA where you find no solution other than to lovingly accept what is. This is where you are called to be beacon of light for others, and where your soul wants you to widen your circle of embrace beyond anything you could imagine.
May I be free from the gripping hold of judgment in all my relationships, while discerning what I can lovingly allow and disallow.
