And then all that has divided us will merge
And then compassion will be wedded to power
And then softness will come to a world that is harsh and unkind
And then both men and women will be gentle
and then both women and men will be strong
and then no person will be subject to another's will
and then all will be rich and free and varied
and then the greed of some will give way to the needs of many
and then all will share equally in the earth's abundance
and then all will care for the sick and the weak and the old
and then all will nourish the young
and then all will cherish life's creatures
and then all will live in harmony with each other and the earth
and then everywhere will be called Eden once again.”
—Judy Chicago
I try to imagine a world in which compassion is wedded to power every day. I struggle at times, to keep the two in partnership in my own life, as I am conditioned to strive rather than lovingly hold myself in my vision while taking purposeful action. Sometimes I forget the holding, nurturing part of the process.
That’s what I see most often in my practice in the DC area. In fact, that is THE OVERARCHING STRUGGLE—the one for our personal and collective future—-between those who maintain patterns of control and domination and those who embrace partnership and co-creation as path to a peaceful and prosperous future for all.
I see it in the competition between men and women over whose job is more important, which naturally is the one with the higher income. I see it in the bickering over small in and insignificant issues that quickly become conflict, which is not really about the dishes or the money or the kids, but about whose reality will prevail. Some fight tooth and nail, and most use avoidance and submission, or simply numbness, to cope. Each person remains isolated in a world void of compassion, yet expecting that sweet nectar from the other.
To some, it doesn’t feel courageous to drop their end of the rope and walk toward the other person with an open heart and willingness to listen. No, it feels to many like giving up, with some narrative about not wanting to condone the behavior in the other person that has been identified as wrong, and that is judged cowardly. It feels braver to fight to the end to get your point across, and then, all will be well. You become judge, jury, and general, eradicating the other person’s sense of emotional safety.
Some couples wage epic hours long “discussions.” Others go cold and silent, others brooding, making sarcastic and contemptuous remarks or simply obtuse innuendos meant to cut. The feeling toward the other person steadily erodes to indifference in some, in others to desperation that often leads to affairs.
If you take a moment to reflect upon this, you very probably have been in such a pattern of relationship at some point in your life. It’s not possible yet to avoid it, as we are learning to claim our inner power, and not power over one another, and therefore are needing to learn the difference between personal power and abuse of power and powerlessness.
Over the years, as I have named this a “power struggle” in the relationship, some have even done battle with me over that notion, as they are not aware of any need to dominate or control. One man recently said “Things would get better if she would stop being so emotional, and that is why I refuse to give in to her whining. But I in no way want to control her.” We are often totally blind as to how we attempt to exert control!
I could discuss the difference between men and women’s brains here, but the truth is, most of us know by now that they are so different as to speak very different languages. If you want to laugh hysterically for 5 minutes, take a look at this comedy video from newstandupcomedy.com talking about men and women’s brains. You can find funny videos anywhere to bring a laugh to your day. It helps to laugh about these things!
But it’s more than that, this great divide. It’s been part of the grand division that has separated us from truth, nature, and one another. It has been perpetrated by myths about quests for power that became imbedded in our psyches as children. The cultural historian, Riane Eisler, author of The Blade and The Chalice,
“So many of the models of courage we’ve had, ones that are still taught to boys and girls, are about going out to slay the dragon, to kill. It’s a courage that’s born out of fear, anger and hate. But there’s this other kind of courage. It’s the courage to risk your life, not in war, not in battle, not out of fear….but out of love and a sense of injustice that has to be challenged.”
The artist Judy Chicago’s poem expresses the vision of a future where a new model prevails—one of partnership, a form of committed co-creation that is part of a new world we are moving toward. In order to truly engage in partnership, you must first be holding yourself in compassion.
Compassion is the bedrock of the new world. 
Look at the places where you fail to accept someone, attempt to influence without regard for their wishes, or resist in some way. Take a moment to notice your feelings, and offer yourself some validation for your frustration. Extend compassion to yourself for not being happy with the moment. Then consider the other person. That is the edge, the relational edge where compassion weds power. I take you and I take me into consideration, and hold us both in high regard. We are equal and equally important.
Partnership is a beautiful and powerful archetype of the new world that can be expressed in marriage, in business, in any endeavor where you come together for a common purpose. It may be part of the solution to the great relationship battles of our time that have led to a higher than ever divorce rate.
If we no longer are entirely seduced by the early romantic love aspect of a relationship, but equally focused on whether a person would be a truly good partner, the outcome can be entirely different, and the passion can be maintained through the powerful connection of partnership. We are all learning this as we go!
We need new stories to teach our children—models of masculinity that have to do with tenderness and of femininity that have to do with strength and power. We need to challenge our own harsh task master inside for failing to measure up to a gold standard set by the prevailing culture, and begin to live according to our own values, which may be entirely different. When we wed compassion to power, “softness will come to a world that is harsh and unkind.”
