“The great man is he who does not lose his child's-heart.”
~Mencius, Book IV
There is a widespread epidemic these days, where many people have lost their innocence and their ability to dance. I remember it well before the days of computers when we could not be contacted in our cars and still had private space in which to think and feel, without the pseudo attachment we feel when we are connected electronically. I remember in fact, that the time in my car driving from graduate school to my children’s school, before heading back home and beginning the homework drama, was the only time I had to breathe deeply and reflect on my own experience. I could step back and see where I needed to make adjustments. I could shift from adult student of Social Work to mom, and I only had the TV to compete with for their attention, which was never a big deal, as my kids, now all in their ‘30’s, were the last generation to play outside most of the time. I look back and even though I was stressed, I realize that the rythm of life 30 years ago was far more conducive to connection and healthy families than the challenges parents face today.
We all see it. Mothers at the park with their kids, sitting on the bench engrossed in their cell phone. Fathers talking on the phone as they walk with their children, who are accustomed to be with their digital dad, and in fact have their own little devices to play on while dad sits in the ice cream shoppe doing deals. I watched a whole family in a restaurant the other day, mom, dad and two teens. No one spoke except to say “Cut it out” when the brother grabbed food from his sister’s plate. In fact, I only saw their faces when they sat upright to eat, and even then, the texting and whatever else that was more important than being together did not stop. No one appeared to be truly happy.
Lately I have been showing this brief video to many of the parents I work with. Called “The Still-face Experiment,” it is the most replicated experiment in psychology, led by famous child development researchers in the 1970’s, and highlighted the potentially harmful emotional, social and developmental impact when a mother stops responding to her baby with appropriate facial expressions. It is astounding to watch how quickly a young child goes into distress when her mother fails to provide the reflection she needs. Since then, other studies have further shown that affect mirroring, in which the mother interacts with her child with high levels of “attention maintenance, sensitivity and responsiveness” resulted in babies that ranked “high on pro-social behaviors and social expectancy, whereas infants whose mothers ranked low on affect mirroring ranked low on these measures.” Think about the zombie stare you give your cell phone over and over again?
I have heard that the Still-face experiment is being replicated with cell phones, and I believe we can predict the outcome with babies. Consider the generation that is growing up now. Some of the findings from the recent CNN Special Report, “Inside the Secret World of Teens:” The line between the cyber world and the real world is gone for teens. 57% would rather be grounded than lose phone privileges. 94% of the parents had no idea how much distress their kids were in over what other kids have said on social media. The kids are totally focused on how their friends respond to the IMAGE of them, not to them. It can be all positive, and they can be deeply depressed, or it can be negative and they can be devastated—and all that can be due to a bad “selfie.” Their image of themselves and thus their moods go up and down depending upon how they are seen in the eyes of peers who may not even know them. This is a reflected image, an imaginary audience come to life, but not one they have any control over. It is a virtual reality that is highly combustible and flammable, and contributing to much suffering. They said that the person they are on social media is more confident, cruel and selfish than they would be in person. When their phones are taken away, they have physical and emotional reactions that closely replicate withdrawal from substances.
Children require contingent and consistent responses. As soon as they are born, they begin mirroring their parents’ facial expressions within hours after birth. They stare into their parents’ eyes seeking a response that enables their brains to fire and wire. An attuned response engenders feelings of security and begins to build in an attachment pattern. Later in life, a person’s model of attachment influences how they go about getting their needs met, which includes whether they turn to people or substances to soothe themselves. When children were interviewed about their parents’ cell phone use, their feelings waivered between hostility, calling the phones “dumb,” and desire, where they competed with their parents for the phone itself. As the parent hands the child the device, they teach them to de-tune and disconnect in the same way.
I write this not from a place of judgment, but one of concern for the children of today, including the children inside the adults who are so stressed out and have lost connection with their own essence. Do you remember the “What’s Wrong With This Picture?” coloring books? Maybe it is time to step back, as I teach my clients to do, so that they can take in the whole picture of their lives, as if they are seeing a play unfolding on a stage. I urge them to take a good look, and see what is going on with the players in the drama of their lives. Are they happy, feeling cherished and loved? Is everyone feeling safe and connected? It is remarkable what a few moments of mindful awareness of their lives can do to help a person make adjustments they have wanted to make in a long time.
I also ask them to look at what is right and good about this picture as well. Look at how hard they work, how committed they are to providing all that their family needs. My intention is to re-connect them with the love that is behind all the striving and effort, as that changes everything. I have very seldom met a parent who is not, in their essence, deeply committed and in love with their children. The reality is that children learn more from what we do than what we say, which has to do with our being, and not what we are doing. This quote from Abraham says it beautifully: “If you encourage your children to stay connected to Source Energy, they will remain clear-minded; they will remain optimistic; they will remain enthusiastic. They will remain balanced; they will remain flexible. They will remain in a state of grace. They will remain in a state of Well-Being. And they will make wonderful choices.”
That is what we want—-a world in which children grow up making wonderful choices and in touch with their aliveness. They will have to rebel against us if we are not doing the same! I know there is a dancing child inside each one of us, and I believe it is evidence of a truly successful life when a person remains in touch with the essential aliveness of the child inside them. It is truly what lights up our children as no electronic device ever could.
To end this message on a hopeful note, take a look at this fabulous video by Evian. When was the last time you really danced?
